sexta-feira, 29 de agosto de 2008
Halfway around the world, a bench. Five coconut trees, and a few hopes.It's hard to believe so much time can pass by while you're asleep.And even harder to contemplate that survival is possible after waking up so many times alone. It isn't the aspect of sex, don't mistake this for the want of sex. I can say sex will be mentioned less than five times throughout this. Over the years i've gotten severely tired of it. I never understood the need for it. Some people tell me i was born... pure.But i really wasn't born pure. Like most of my own, i have my own needs. But i noticed them far more than most of us do. The human nature is a little beyond comprehension, it is ruled mainly by the subconscious. Our natural need to see violence, root for a certain side in a war because of our invented morals. I see it everytime i leave my apartment, humanity. I don't like humanity. And speaking of dislike for humanity and apartments...In my day-after-day i noticed, I hate the man who guards my apartment. He only serves for correcting mailing errors. This has lead me to believe he steals the magazines i order to come into the mail, It's my mistake really. I shouldn't order things straight to home and i shouldn't try to justify this act of disgust for my own kind by saying i'll save a couple of bucks. The truth is i'm completely afraid of having to go to the newstand, There are People all around the newstand.At home i can feel safe, i can feel normal. Which is why i don't like maids either. Maids burst right into your bubble and get paid for it. Like informants, or lovers. But i don't have the same problem with lovers, Although they cause a certain outbreak of feelings on me. Happy feelings, are things i sometimes fear. Security is dangerous at times like these. Nothing makes me safer than being alone, I'm happy alone.I once, a time ago; was happy being sorrounded. But people go away. You have to go away from people. All throughout my life it's happened. And the less you converse the less you have to go through. That's why i don't like the concept of a job, at a job you have to talk to people. Communication is a vital part of the system that is life. But people like me do not fit in the system. It isn't that we refuse to fit into all of it. It's just that in being different we cause a sense of disappointment in the collossus that is breathing.I'm happy alive, I think thats odd. But it works for me. I need to explain myself, I need to tell you that i wasn't always like this because i'm getting the feeling you might be doubting my earlier happiness and might be connecting it to past events of my childhood,teenage, etc. It isn't a problem like that, It's rather recent really. Let me explain how i was before, so you can get a better idea.Not too long ago, I had dreams. Dreams with special people. People i loved. I dreamt of riding in retro cars through rainy cities, falling in love with landscapes will forever be a love of mine (untouchable by life events). I was a weird kinda kid. I had alot of things right there in front of me. Everything i could ever want, it was there. It's a fairly nice life for someone who started out eating cucumbers everyday with rice and beans hoping to get a little more for christmas than a wooden truck.All in all, i don't have much to say in respect of life. Life is weird towards me, we don't have a bad relationship. But it's weird towards me. I can't finish anything, i suck at finishing things. I've never had that skill, I'm a human To Be Continued. Thats just how it works. Although i must say, Shrinks don't work. They really don't. Solve your problems on your own. I've been managing to do it easily. You can too.